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Day Ten

All of my days are struggles. Some worse than others. Yesterday and today were true battles against binge eating. I won those battles but that doesn't mean I didn't suffer during them. I dreamt last night about a two-cheeseburger meal from McDonalds and a Diet Coke. I don't know what was worse in my dream... The Diet Coke or the cheeseburger but I definitely felt guilt in my dream and was relieved to know it wasn't real when I woke up... I think part of the problem was being home all day both days and eating because that's what I'm used to doing when I'm home. It doesn't matter if I am hungry or not. I was eating regardless. While I was working? Eating. While I was watching TV? Eating. While I was waiting for my food to be ready? Eating. Hanging with friends m? Eating. Driving? Eating. It didn't matter... Whatever was going on, I was eating. I truly have this unhealthy and heinous addiction to junk food. And it isn't just an addiction to food it is also an addiction to eating. The physical act of eating. People say they smoke because they need to be doing something with their hands or mouths. I eat because I need to be eating. It's weird and so hard to explain. I eat emotions. I eat boredom. I eat with friends for fun. I eat ALL. THE. TIME. Not kidding. So these past 10 days have truly been a challenge that few non-addictive eaters can understand... And what's worse is that when I decided to make this conscious effort to eat better I guess internally I thought- "I'm going to do so great with eating right AND exercising that I will defiitely see some amazing results quickly".... Nope. And that's the other hardest part - putting in so much hard work and effort and feeling exhausted (while missing food and battling cravings and missing your average time-kill of eating) and not seeing the results that combat that kind of loss. And it truly is a loss. Until you and your mind and your body and your lifestyle adjusts to this change and until you feel the gains of being healthier, it's truly a loss. Maybe a good loss; a necessary loss...But a HUGE loss just the same. So moral of my story here is that I get the struggle. If anyone is going through this too, I get it. It sucks. It literally is painful at times. It's one of the shittiest feelings ever to lose such a huge part of my life. But here's to hoping that the gaping hole left behind by binge eating is filled with this new desire to LIVE and be healthy and HAPPY. I just want to feel happy and accomplished and to no longer have a reason to blame myself for everything missing in my life.


So it's been a full week on this plan... so far so good. I didn't do bad at the Derby party on Saturday... I gave in to a few things that I probably shouldn't have, i.e. the chips and cheese queso, a couple potato skins, and some chicken salad and crackers and yummy spinach dip... but I did eat cucumbers, fruit, shrimp, etc... and I only grazed, I didn't take any heaping servings and stood as much I could as opposed to standing and also got my workout in that day.

I weighed in this morning and I'm down about 2 lbs- I may be down more because I didn't actually officially give myself a starting weigh in... i only assumed 220 because I weighed in at about 222 late at night a couple nights before I started... So I figured 220 was a good starting point. I also measured in and lost 2 inches in my chest and 1.5 inches in my waist. I don't see a big difference and it's a bummer to not see the scale move but I feel certain if I just don't quit, I will see results.. And I really have to boast about this Shakeology stuff. I mean, honestly, it really does help curb cravings for junk... I have to give it credit for much of my success so far because I've tried this healthy eating thing before and failed miserably.. and I wasn't really all that motivated this time around vs. any of the last times, but something about that ShakeO makes me feel less inclined to snack or eat junk... now don't get me wrong- it is still a HUGE struggle to eat better. I would much rather jump through a drive thru and grab something easy and delicious or make a quick box of mac and cheese or bowl of cereal rather than eat whatever I have in the kitchen on the approved foods list... but I have been able to keep those urges to a minimum and not cave.

SW: 220 lbs
CW: 218.4 lbs
GW: 145 lbs

Day Three

So I missed blogging yesterday but that's because I was in Tennessee for work all day and didn't get home until about 11pm when all was said and done. So now it's the end of day 3 and here I am - still at it. So I've got that goin' for me. ;)

I made healthy choices all day yesterday and all day today. I may be grazing a little bit more than I should but I'm not eating full blown meals so I feel like my calorie count is probably still around where it should be. I'm also doing my best to keep track of my containers/color for the 21 day fix program... (but I will discuss this meal plan below..) Anyway my doctor once told me to just eat more fruits and vegetables, as many as I could... he told me that a couple years ago but I'm doing that now so that's got to count for something right?

So here are my thoughts on this meal plan... It's unrealistic for someone like me to abide by and prepare these healthy meals the way the plan says to do it. I understand its all about portion control ... I totally get it... and I can absolutely appreciate the color coding so you know about how much of what kinds of foods you should eat in a day... but the amount of prep time and measuring that goes into this plan is astronomical. I just don't have that kind of time nor do I have that kind of patience... So I'm beginning to wonder if instead of doing all the prep and measuring, if I just abide by the foods list, I'm still making healthier choices overall (i.e. I'm not eating fast food (which I was eating EVERY single time I was on the road, which is like every week)...and I'm not ordering pizzas, or drinking diet cokes, or binge eating chips and queso....) So if I can continue to eat the foods they recommend and just try to portion it to where I'm not overdoing it, I can't imagine not losing weight, right?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm going to continue to do my best to track with the meal plan, but I'm just saying I'm not going to hold myself accountable if I don't eat all 5 servings of veggies in a day.. Or if I'm eating one too many servings of fruits every day.. I don't want to feel like I'm being punished when in reality I'm doing so great compared to the train wreck I was when it came to food for the last two years.

Does this make sense? I think the 21 Day Fix meal plan is awesome. It really is... when you have the time to prep and you don't spend 4-6 hours on the road a couple times a week and living out of hotels 50% of the time. But for me, I just need to stop binge eating junk and I need get active. I'm going to continue with the Shakeology because I honestly do feel like it's helping me tremendously. I think it actually does curb cravings and I definitely believe that it's helping me to get so many of the vital nutrients I need that I wouldn't get from food. Not to mention I'm on Day 3 and I've not had a single diet coke which is PHENOMENAL for me and I'm not getting caffeine headaches.. I'm going to chalk that up to Shakeology as well.

So with all of this said, I'm a fan of the 21 day fix. I think it works. I think it's a great plan for those who have the time and the ability to follow it to a tee. However I just don't want to set myself up for failure if I know that I can't abide by all the rules.. So I will still do all my shopping off the approved food list and portions will be taken into consideration for sure, but the color coding system and only allowing 4 fruit servings and requiring 5 veggies servings? Yeah, you've got the wrong girl!

But I've still not weighed myself although I've been SO tempted but it's only day 3 and I don't want to feel discouraged.. The batteries in my scale are dead also... and I bought new ones but I purposefully haven't replaced them because I don't want to feel tempted. Although as I think about it... I had so much success 5 years ago weighing in every day but only holding myself accountable for the weekly weigh-in results.... So maybe I go back to what's tried and true? Am I making excuses now for trying to allow myself to weigh in?? I don't know what to do... lol.. I wanted to base everything on how I felt and how my clothes fit but maybe it's too early for that? Maybe I need to see some numbers drop on the scale before I start focusing on how my clothes fit? I JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WILL KEEP ME MOTIVATED!!! right now the instagram account is helping me stay accountable and the accounts I follow on there have been so inspirational.. but I just need to keep the momentum. And I've got such a long way to go.

Anyway- let me make the obligatory food part of the post: Yesterday I did my workout in the morning, I had my shakeology, I ate 2 servings of hard boiled eggs, a banana, a handful of pumpkin seeds, a half a serving of oatmeal. 2 small sausage patties (which i KNOW was bad but i needed protein and I was in a hotel and that was all they had at my disposal), a serving of grapes and a serving of special K cereal. all of this was spread out over the course of the day so all of this in moderation I think was ok. The only thing that was probably frowned upon were the sausages.

Today I had my shakeology (which was awful when i accidentally put too much mint extract), a banana, a handful of pumpkin seeds, 2 small servings of turkey jerky, a half cup of banana nut crunch cereal with almond milk, a cup of green beans, and 3 small servings of wild and brown rice. (I get 4 servings of healthy carbs a day and the rice measured out to just under 3 servings.)

So while I list these things out it seems like a lot of food but lets reflect on how its a lot of small portions of healthy foods... not nearly the awful choices before like the Chicken Burrito and tortilla chips and queso I'd eat sometimes twice a week... or the entire pizza I would eat from little caesars... or the 2 cheeseburger meals I get EVERY SINGLE TIME I'd be driving for a couple hours or more on a road trip for work... I mean you guys- I got so out of control... and I hated myself but I loved the food. I feel like if I continue to make the better healthy choices all in moderation while getting more active, I should see some differences soon enough. All in good time...

Day 1

So here we go again. I started out pretty motivated today. I drink a shakeology shake this morning which wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I also spent two hours last night prepping food for TWO days since I'm on the road today and tomorrow. I mean honest-to-blog, nothing should be this difficult. Luckily I'm carrying a pretty good motivation with me right now so I wasn't ready to quit.

After the shake, which included the pouch, 1/2 a banana and a half teaspoon of vanilla extract, I jumped in the car and hit the road. On the nearly 4 hour drive I snacked on some pumpkin seeds, some turkey jerky, and some cucumbers. When I got to the hotel I ate two hard boiled eggs, some grapes, steel cut oatmeal (with maple cinnamon... and by the way, what is steel cut oatmeal? what does it mean?) and some carrots. I get to go out for dinner tonight since it's on the company dime and there's an Outback Steakhouse right up the street so since I still have some yellow foods (carbs) to take in I am going to get a small sweet potato with cinnamon, some asparagus or green beans, and a chicken breast or salmon filet. (I'm not sure if they have salmon but if they do I will likely go with that.) And I'm not really feeling hungry so I don't know if it's because I have been grazing all day, if the Shakeology really does curb craving, if healthy foods really fill you up faster as they say they do, or if I'm just having a mental placebo of knowing all the aforementioned information. But either way, I'm fine with it.

I still have to work out so I think I'm going to do that before I call an order into Outback for curbside pickup in a couple hours. It will be my first workout on the 21 day fix program so hopefully it goes ok. I also couldn't find my 5 lb weights (I hope my neighbor didn't borrow them a long time ago and never give them back! She's sucks- but that's a whole other story.) I feel like SOMEONE borrowed them I just don't remember who. Anyway I'm going to sneak down to the hotel fitness room shortly to see about stealing theirs and returning them afterward. LOL...

May. 1st, 2016

OH. MY. GOSH. Does anyone still read this? I'm going to go with no but since I was ever-so-kindly invited to join a weight challenge community by my lovely friend gethawt_getfit I decided to jump back on here. I don't know how often I will update, and I won't commit to anything but I like the idea of coming back to LJ and just venting and discussing the progress in my 147th attempt to lose weight.

For those of you who are Instagrammers, I have created a new profile specific to my weight loss journey. The program starts tomorrow. I'm not confident I can be as strict and by-the-book with this 21 Day Fix thing but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna give it the old college try. So my new Instagram name is KritterGetsFitter. (<- haha... cute right? Because I'm Kritter? Get it?... you got it.)

So just to achieve my due diligence. Here are my current stats as awful as they are:

Starting Weight (SW): 220 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 220 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 145 lbs

I took before pictures this afternoon and I also recorded the measurements of my arms, legs, hips, and waist. So.... there's that. Wish me luck, friends. Let's hope this isn't a fly-by-night motivation and that I can see some results similar to what I saw about 5 1/2 years ago.

Maybe not B.E.D. after all?...

SO, I've skipped two periods. Completely skipped them. No periods for the last two cycles. I called my doctor to see if he could get me on a new birth control because I figured that's the only explanation. I never had a problem with the pill I used to take but then about 6 months ago the pharmacy company my insurance forces me to use stopped offering my pill and switched me to this new pill. I feel like that has to be the problem. Not only am I not having periods but I'm having terrible cramps with no bleeding. That seems weird. So I started googling this new birth control and SOOOOO many negative reviews. Not only did other people complain about headaches and depression and mood swings, but other people commented about eating all the time even with no appetite… So I'm wondering if this has been my big problem most recently. Maybe it's not BED? if I stop taking this pill and the need to eat dies out, all should be well again in my world. If I am off of it and still have that uncontrollable urge to eat, I will talk to my doctor about BED. 


So this entry started as a comment to gethawt_getfit. then I realized it would make a great entry so here it is:

I agree with you that logging food will help establish patterns… but I actually don't think I really have a pattern… I know that is weird… and I know people will think this is an excuse, and that's ok because I know it's real, but I truly believe I suffer from B.E.D. It is a real thing. It stands for Binge Eating Disorder.  I have read a lot about it and I really believe it's my problem.

One website says: "binge eaters often eat even when they’re not hungry and continue eating long after they’re full."

that is me to a tee.  I constantly eat when I'm not hungry. For various reasons being boredom, depression, stress, etc. And what worse is I always realize when I'm doing it!!! ALWAYS. And I say, "no, Kelly, you don't need to eat all of this…. you don't need to eat AT ALL." but it's like I can't control it…. The Mayo Clinic website actually says "But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating." And that is exactly what I do. ALWAYS. I realize it. I understand what i'm doing but it's like I have zero control over my actions at the time.

Sometimes I can have success with dieting… like about two months ago I was eating right AND exercising 5-6 times a week. I lost 9 pounds. And then one day, I just stopped. I could see I was making bad decisions and throwing away my 5 weeks of hard work and I couldn't control it… That's when I realized it had to be this BED thing that I heard about in a commercial on Hulu.

I read this on a website, too and I really believe this is my cycle… :

"Binge eating may be comforting for a brief moment, but then reality sets back in, along with regret and self-loathing. Binge eating often leads to weight gain and obesity, which only reinforces compulsive eating. The worse a binge eater feels about themself and their appearance, the more they use food to cope. It becomes a vicious cycle: eating to feel better, feeling even worse, and then turning back to food for relief."

Then I took a quiz on a site to see if my answers would actually determine a likely case of B.E.D. and yes….  this was my result:

BED Likely

People who have scored similarly to you have often qualified for a diagnosis of binge eating disorder (BED).
This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it may be beneficial for you to seek a professional consultation from a trained mental health professional in your community soon, especially if you find these symtpoms interfering your daily life or emotional well-being.

The current severity of your binge eating behavior would likely be characterized as moderate.

I don't even know what kind of treatment you get for this, I'm still reading up on it… But there's bound to be something and I really do want to find it. I am tired of food being the one thing I can depend on because eventually it will bite me in the ass and turn on me… When I wind up single and alone forever, with type 2 Diabetes, or something worse. I have to find an answer.

I mean, you guys, I finished an ENTIRE pizza almost 2 weeks ago. A whole large pizza. All by myself. And I still could've eaten but I forced myself to stop (although a few hours later I had a bowl of cereal even though I wasn't hungry.) Who can do that? Who does that at all?!?!?!?? I felt so disgusting afterwards but it wasn't enough for me to change my habits. There has to be a way to do it. I've done it before... I need to figure out how to go about doing it again so that it works this time.

Now with all that said, I really do want to make a change, I just have to figure out how best to move forward... as odd as it sounds, I'm just glad to know that my behaviors aren't just mine, that other people suffer from this type of thing too... Isn't that awful?

Looking for it...

I'm starting to wonder if in the meantime while I struggle to get started on this lifestyle of being healthy, if I should treat this as a legitimate blog in addition to a food/activity journal like I did before. I think maybe it will help me understand why I struggle and how I'm feeling when I do so that maybe I can pinpoint these things before they continue to be a problem, or I'll know how to react... does that make sense?

I started taking an anti-depressant today. My doctor gave me a prescription for one a few months back and I took it for about 3 weeks before I began to slowly stop taking them. I just didn't think they were necessary, but I am back to feeling like they are again. So today is day 1 back on them. I hope to remember in a month from now to update myself on how I feel and if I believe they are working. I guess my reason for sharing this information is because I'm hoping that my struggle with motivation may be related to the bit of depression I suffer from. If I can find a balance with that, maybe I'll have better luck staying upbeat and motivated to change my lifestyle.

Today I skipped breakfast... I ate two peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches and popcorn for lunch. Not a healthy choice... I'm not quite sure I should continue to consider myself on this new lifestyle just yet.... My heart isn't in it and I'm not even remotely motivated to do this- i just thought since my old friends were getting back on the bandwagon I should try too, but I'm not there yet and I can't force it... But I'm hoping that by staying active on LJ, I can soak up some motivation from you guys and over time just start making better decisions to feel like part of it all again....

I know it all sounds like excuses but I remember 5 years ago when this came just SO easily for me and I'm not in that position right now. And the ONLY time I've ever been successful eating right and exercising to lose weight was when my heart was in it... and it did- it just came SO easily.

In fact, I am thinking about buying a new treadmill.. I just sold my old one to get it out of my living room and out of my house.. but it was also older, slightly falling apart, and it was too big. I'm thinking of looking into getting a smaller one to put in my back bedroom, something that will get me back into running without me having to join a gym or struggle in front of people.... It worked so well for me 5 years ago... maybe I would have luck with it again. I am not sure how much they cost or how small they come but I think I'm going to look into it...

I know this entry is all over the place but I'm actually on a conference call as we speak and my brain is all over the place... I probably need to go pay attention now. But I want to make this journal an active, purposeful thing again until I find that motivation that I'm currently lacking....

Day "one" - if I can call it that

Saying today was a bust is probably an understatement. I started day one in a hotel in West Virginia for work. Breakfast was good, as were my intentions. Lunch was forced on me early due to my schedule and I did ok. I had a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup at Panera for 330 calories and drink water. By the time I was halfway though my 4 hour drive home this evening I was starving and the only place on my gas exit was McDonald's. So I caved. Ugh....  I'm telling you guys, as much as i want this, my heart isn't in it yet. I had a double cheeseburger and a small fries.

And because I'm sure to get my period tomorrow of course I had a sweet tooth, so I had a bowl of fruit loops at like 9:00. Never good. Awful awful Day one. I need to truly prepare better for this and try to figure out how to get my head in the game. I need to do a full fledged pantry and fridge clean out and start from scratch with only healthier options. And I need to keep some sort of healthier snack in the car for road trips like yesterday and today. I'm not out of the game... I'm just not quite sure I'm in it yet either. It's like I'm sitting in the dugout dressed and ready but am not playing yet. I'm working on it. :-/

The night before...

I've been gone for a while. A long enough while to have gained back all 40lbs I lost (and then some)... After an extremely rough end-of-year in 2012, and a bad break-up in early-mid 2013, the depression kicked in and I eat my emotions. I also get sluggish and vritually become a sloth. So needless to say I'm likely at my highest weight ever currently. I can't weigh in today as I'm sitting in a hotel in West Virginia and have no scale. I won't be able to weigh in the morning for that same reason so I am going to guess my starting weight at 212. Even if I'm guessing a pound or 2 high, I've seen that number in recent weigh-ins so I feel as though it's not a stretch to start there. My first weigh-in will be next Wednesday and we'll go from there.

I have no idea how I'm going to do on this go round but with support from my favorite internet weight-loss buddy, gethawt_getfit, and support from those of you who are still around, maybe I'll find that motivation that seemed to come so easy five years ago and be successful. My life has changed SO much in the past 5 years at the same time it's stayed a lot the same. So hopefully I can find some sort of middle ground to get my routine back in order. So here it is:

Starting Weight:  212lbs
Current Weight: somewhere around 212lbs
Goal Weight:   145lbs
Lowest Weight:  167lbs

I plan on exercising at least 5 times a week (6 if I can find that damn motivation!) and keeping logs of what or how I eat each day. I need you folks to keep me accountable please! I will post before pictures as soon as I'm home to take them and good God are they going to be terrifying to share. But I know you guys have been with me before and seen me do it and can help to convince me that I can do it again.

So many deep, internal reasons for wanting to do this- I can say it's all because I want to be healthy and feel good, but truth be told, I'm doing it because I'm tired of hating what I see in the mirror. I'm tired of blaming myself for losing the only person I've ever truly loved. Even though I won't get him back, I want to feel like I could so that I know us being together is because I CHOOSE it to be that way, not because I scared him off by gaining so much weight. I also am so shallow that I look forward to an annual work event where the people I only see once a year will say "wow, Kelly you look phenomenal! Good for you!".... that's always uplifting! lol.... so here goes nothing you guys... Tomorrow is day one, again, AGAIN. Also, follow me on instagram - my username is skinny_nonbitch on there as well.

Here's to progress!