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Day Ten

All of my days are struggles. Some worse than others. Yesterday and today were true battles against binge eating. I won those battles but that doesn't mean I didn't suffer during them. I dreamt last night about a two-cheeseburger meal from McDonalds and a Diet Coke. I don't know what was worse in my dream... The Diet Coke or the cheeseburger but I definitely felt guilt in my dream and was relieved to know it wasn't real when I woke up... I think part of the problem was being home all day both days and eating because that's what I'm used to doing when I'm home. It doesn't matter if I am hungry or not. I was eating regardless. While I was working? Eating. While I was watching TV? Eating. While I was waiting for my food to be ready? Eating. Hanging with friends m? Eating. Driving? Eating. It didn't matter... Whatever was going on, I was eating. I truly have this unhealthy and heinous addiction to junk food. And it isn't just an addiction to food it is also an addiction to eating. The physical act of eating. People say they smoke because they need to be doing something with their hands or mouths. I eat because I need to be eating. It's weird and so hard to explain. I eat emotions. I eat boredom. I eat with friends for fun. I eat ALL. THE. TIME. Not kidding. So these past 10 days have truly been a challenge that few non-addictive eaters can understand... And what's worse is that when I decided to make this conscious effort to eat better I guess internally I thought- "I'm going to do so great with eating right AND exercising that I will defiitely see some amazing results quickly".... Nope. And that's the other hardest part - putting in so much hard work and effort and feeling exhausted (while missing food and battling cravings and missing your average time-kill of eating) and not seeing the results that combat that kind of loss. And it truly is a loss. Until you and your mind and your body and your lifestyle adjusts to this change and until you feel the gains of being healthier, it's truly a loss. Maybe a good loss; a necessary loss...But a HUGE loss just the same. So moral of my story here is that I get the struggle. If anyone is going through this too, I get it. It sucks. It literally is painful at times. It's one of the shittiest feelings ever to lose such a huge part of my life. But here's to hoping that the gaping hole left behind by binge eating is filled with this new desire to LIVE and be healthy and HAPPY. I just want to feel happy and accomplished and to no longer have a reason to blame myself for everything missing in my life.

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Mariska
skinny_nonbitch
skinny_nonbitch

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